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SATIRE
Canada Agrees to Become States 51 to 100
And Trudeau teaches Trump basic arithmetic
Following a tense few weeks of negotiations, the President of the United States and Prime Minister of Canada have finally reached a compromise.
It was early Monday morning when Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called President Donald Trump to discuss the 25% import tariffs set to take place the following day.
“Hi Bibi,” Trump answered the phone. The sound of Doritos crunching could be heard over the speaker.
“It’s… uh… it’s Justin. Justin Trudeau.”
“Who the F*** is Justin Trudeau?” Trump not-so-faintly asked a nearby staffer as he planted his phone face down on the Oval Office desk. The Canadian Prime Minister cleared his throat as he tried to conceal his mild offense.
“Justin Trudeau is the Prime Minister of Canada, Sir.”
“Tremendous. That’s the one that looks like a pork chop?” asked Trump earnestly.
“Sir — that’s Cypru — ” the staffer quickly tried to interject as Trump picked back up the phone.
“Justin! My guy. What can I do for you?” Trump said with the sheistiest New Yorker accent he could muster.
Trudeau took a deep breath as he read from a pre-written note card. “Mr. President, I’m calling because of the 25% import tariffs set to take effect tomorrow. These tariffs will hurt Canadian industries, American consumers, and frankly, our strong partnershi — ”
Trump groaned dramatically as boredom rapidly welled inside him. “Justin, listen. I love Canada. I do. The best beaches, the nicest people, the widest cheese variety. But these tariffs? They’re tremendous. Beautiful tariffs,” explained Trump, still firmly envisioning Cyprus in his mind’s eye and a little foggy on what tariffs actually were.
Trudeau massaged his temples impatiently. “Right, but these tariffs will also hurt American businesses that rely on Canadian goods.”
Trump leaned back in his chair as he shamelessly realized he’d gotten the two C-starting countries confused once again. “So what…
