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TECHNOLOGY, BUSINESS, HEALTHCARE
DoorDash Quashes Stakeholders’ Fears by Creating a New Pandemic to Increase Its Stock Price
Keeping the one trick pony alive
It’s barbaric to sacrifice humans for profits. But gutting employee health due to warehouse and sweatshop burnout is totally fine.
While Amazon and Nike practice the widely accepted, hidden rule of employee abuse, DoorDash is opting for employee and customer abuse. The company is leaning towards this controversial strategy after posting negative earnings for a quarter. Given that DoorDash only posted positive earnings one quarter in its history, its stakeholder scare was on par with its brand. DoorDash showing a profitable quarter is the equivalent of George Santos telling the truth.
Venture capital firms are slowly backing out to fund other companies. Who knew there were more important problems to solve than instant food delivery? How will we go on if we can’t get a ColdStone milkshake on our doorsteps in 15 minutes? That’s the only way we bring all the boys to our yard!
CEO Tony Xu held a press conference to assuage his investors’ fears. Xu proposed a revolutionary, yet scary, idea to get DoorDash to finally see at least $1 in profit post-pandemic.
“DoorDash was a pandemic stock darling! People used it frequently to order food and groceries while they were following quarantine rules. But we only had one pandemic quarter where we raked in $23 million in profit! Who knew our business of feeding people was only sustainable during an event that killed people! We should have been in the crematorium business!
“How are we not profitable in the post-pandemic world? We’re revolutionary in the food delivery industry! Ok, we’re not a food delivery company. We’re a logistics company that uses technology to connect customers with restaurant deliverers better! We just took Netflix’s business model of bowing down to our computer overlords!
“Just like Netflix, DoorDash suffered after their competition caught up with them technologically. No longer having the supply chain tech advantage, both companies are left collecting pennies by delivering trash to customers. People are content to munch on delivered…
