PUT DOWN THE BROOKSTONE CATALOG, BURT

Gift Guide for the Man Who Wishes to Have Sex This Holiday Season

Or hopes to avoid an expensive divorce

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

To help ease the stress of holiday gifting, I’ve come up with a handy guide for all the fellows out there who think they know what to buy for the woman* in their life. You don’t, Phil, so let’s start with that.

I’ve sliced this into two parts for easy consumption. It’s okay if you’ve gifted things from the Do Not Ever, Ever Gift List. If you’re reading this, it is likely a good sign that your partner hasn’t left you, yet. Hopefully this helps keep you on the right track.

Do Not Ever, Ever Gift:

1. Things to clean the home or any appliances. If you’re at Home Depot looking for a gift for that special someone, leave now. The gift she wants is not in there. Back away from that vacuum cleaner, Rick. Go on now. Go.
2. Books. Nobody wants books. I don’t care if you think you’ve married the next Jane Austen. “But my girl is different,” you say to yourself. No Jerome, she’s not. Put the book on English gardens down and leave Barnes & Noble immediately.
3. Technology. Sure, there are a lot of cool gadgets out there, but it’s not what she wants. Her current phone works just…