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SUBTLE MANIPULATION
How To Effortlessly Make Best Friends
Want more BFFAEAA’s?
That’s Best Friends Forever And Ever And Always, obviously. Try to keep up.
Start by making a Spotify playlist for someone you want to be best friends with. Add a minimum of 7,600 positive vibes songs — each month. Add that person as a collaborator.
Ask them to collaborate — every day. When they add songs to your playlist, you’ve subconsciously gotten them to become your BFFAEAA. This is textbook manipulation yet subtle. It’s so subtle you don’t even know you’re manipulating them. Pat yourself on the back.
Another proven tactic? Go to a crowded pub on a Saturday night. Meet some new people. Any race — unless you’re a racist. Add them on Instagram. Weep loudly right in their face if they don’t immediately agree to follow YOU back on Instagram.
Keep buying them drinks — until they vomit — on your face. Drive them home. Put them to bed. Be sure to video all of this, up to and including the vomit part. Send them the video the next morning.
If you don’t get a response within ten minutes, it’s because they’re embarrassed. After thirteen minutes (because you want them to sober up), text them, “Will you be my BFFAEAA?” If they said YES, pat yourself on the back! If they said NO, reply to them, “I was obviously joking. What are we, in kindergarten?”
They’ll like your puckish sense of humor. Who wouldn’t want to bebestfriend you? They WILL reconsider their previous NO. Job done!
Also? Go to LinkedIn and comment under all your connections’ posts, “You’re brilliant. You’re incredible. I’m so very proud of you!” Comment only once per post. DO NOT double comment. You don’t want to sound desperate. Nobody likes a clingy BFFAEAA.
Then, go on Twitter and tweet, “I’m looking for a BFFAEAA — and I’m absolutely not desperate. Clingy people, please stay away.”
If someone replies to your tweet, “What are we, in kindergarten?” you reply, “That’s my line. How did you know? We should be BFFAEAA. You’re brilliant. You’re incredible. I’m so very proud of you!” Their heart is melted now…
