FREE MASSAGE WHEN YOU APPLY FOR ELITE MEMBER STATUS
Introducing TSA’s Enhanced Security Services
Inserting pleasure and sensitivity into the travel screening process
Since the post-pandemic travel explosion, figuratively speaking of course, we at TSA have received significant traveler feedback. And we have listened. After all, we resent long lines and shortened coffee breaks as much as you do. We are pleased to announce recent changes TSA has implemented to make your next airport screening experience more pleasant and possibly even pleasurable.
Enhanced VIP Efficiencies
With our newly introduced Pre-check Elite status, you can bypass long TSA waits without compromising airline safety or subjecting yourself to travel rage. Simply fill out the one-line Pre-check Elite application with your first and last name. Hand it, along with a $150 membership payment, to the nearest TSA agent. It’s that easy.
We will perform a quick background check, followed by a more thorough frontal check, and you will be approved to cut to the front of the security line at any U.S. airport. Enjoy that extra 90 minutes at home or those additional rum and cokes at the bar rather than stand in line. It’s on us!
Expanded Personal Items Inventory
Additional screening benefits accompany the new Pre-check Elite membership. Our security personnel will ignore violent messages on favorite T-shirts, will wave through the steak knife gift set, and will view the pellet gun in your son’s backpack as a youthful squirrel hunter’s oversight. After all, we understand how life can interfere with travel, and we now provide a way to acknowledge minor miscalculations without creating major delays.
We also will tune out the random skyjacking joke, but only one per customer is permitted. And don’t worry about changing into clean socks before leaving the house. As an Elite member, you can leave your shoes on, regardless of any sole modifications or suspicious limps.
Heightened Sensitivity
Travelers remaining in line can still expect long waits, a photo ID requirement, and a limit of three ounces of Astroglide in their carry-ons. At the same time, we have heard the voices from the back of the line, and we offer additional services for them as well.
First, to minimize body shaming, our screening technicians will now wear wardrobe-penetrating goggles to pre-screen what’s beneath those skinny jeans, flannel loungewear, and bulging maternity tops.
Additionally, our screeners will wear surplus N-95 masks to hide inadvertent sneers that could unintentionally damage a traveler’s self-image.
For the body scan itself, we’ve added a second option. Travelers may now choose between the usual, arms-overhead upright stance or the new, downward-facing dog position, since we recognize the importance of stretching before extended flights.
For those travelers who require luggage searches, we provide wardrobe folding tables with steam irons so you can return balled-up business attire to its original, pressed and starched condition. Finally, for travelers undergoing body cavity inspections, we now accommodate latex allergies with fingerless gloves.
Defusing Screening Conflicts
To address any resentment our Pre-check Elite service might create among travelers, we ask those disgruntled nonmembers to wait until they have boarded their flights to express their frustration. At that point, it becomes the airlines’ responsibility, and friendly flight attendants will mediate any disputes.
Our Pledge
We strive to make your passage through our nation’s airports both safe and pleasing. The above improvements to TSA screening are intended to reduce wait times while maintaining security and enhancing the travel experience. On your next airport visit, expect to be waved through by one of our friendly agents in fingerless gloves. The pleasure is ours.
Click here to subscribe to MuddyUm’s newsletter, ‘The Real Dirt’
