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Cat-Hating Vice Presidential Candidates
J.D. Vance’s Least Favorite Movies and TV Shows
Instead of one of these, how about re-watching the modern classic “Hillbilly Elegy” with a Diet Mountain Dew in hand?
Friends (1994–2004)
How dare Rachel call me out on misogynistic comments I made three whole years ago, when in reality her show is part of the problem? Her character was an unwed mother who doesn’t start having children until she’s reached her unrealistically geriatric 30s. Also, I dislike Phoebe’s frequent singing of the song “Smelly Cat,” even if it does highlight the innate hygiene problem exclusive to the feline persuasion.
Cats (2019)
No, it’s not bad for all the reasons it was critically panned and ridiculed by audiences but because the entire movie anthropomorphizes the world’s most abhorrent species (after unmarried women), and Taylor Swift furthers the liberal agenda by trying to seduce us with her confusing furry cat-boobs.
Bringing Up Baby (1938)
A couple raises a big cat together instead of having children. Need I say more?
Sex and the City (1998–2004)
These ladies are trouble. One of them owns a cat for nearly the entire run of the original series and doesn’t have a baby until the end of Season 4 — not that I’ve watched every episode or anything.
Hocus Pocus (1993)
Three unmarried, Satan-worshipping sisters turn a child into a cat. As if that weren’t enough horror fodder, they want to suck the life forces from all the remaining children in town. Yet another example of content in which Carrie doesn’t want to have kids. (From what I’ve heard, I mean. I absolutely do not own the box set of SATC DVDs.)
Children of Men (2005)
Take this film as a warning about the kind of child-free dystopian future the Democrats have in mind. I honestly think the women tricked the men into believing they couldn’t get pregnant anymore — they just didn’t want to.
The Witches (1990)
The reason I hate this movie is because the titular antagonists turn children into mice to make them prey for cats. It’s definitely not because the Grand High Witch still gives me nightmares, because she totally doesn’t. In its defense, however, it does reiterate an important universal truth — that women who don’t have children are evil and monstrous beneath their fake exteriors.
The Three Lives of Thomasina (1964)
The damn cat dies and then has the audacity to come back to life. Furthermore, the depiction of “heaven” sacrilegiously shows some Egyptian cat god instead of the white, male, very much human-presenting actual God.
The Aristocats (1970)*
Don’t even get me started on this Disney abomination: A rich old childless French woman plans to leave her fortune to her four cats, who will no doubt spend it all on frivolities like catnip and then expect welfare handouts.
*(Not to be confused with the documentary The Aristocrats (2005), which, despite its wildly obscene language and subject matter, still makes a better family film because of its lack of felines. At least the inappropriate vaudeville joke in question portrays a nuclear family spending time together.)
