Parenting 101
Owner’s Operating Manual for Your Model Child, Unit #85974038
Parenting tech. Support
Welcome Guide
Welcome to your new Your Model Child unit. This unit will bring you joy throughout its phases and cuddles for at least half of its life. Many new owners are overwhelmed when they bring home their Your Model Child unit for the first time. This manual is here to walk you through what to expect and how to troubleshoot. Operating Your Model Child unit is as easy as “I’m counting to three — ”
Phase one, 0–5 unit years
Often the child appears to be inconsolable, upset, and/or passing gas while sleeping. Some owners have called the helpline asking why their model is not yet laughing, dancing, and discussing large family matters with them. It is understandable if owners are worried or even disappointed that their dreams of being a Your Model Child unit owner do not comport with their specific unit. But here at We’re Making This Shit Up As We Go Labs, INC., we assure you, this is perfectly normal as your model grows and becomes more mobile.
Expect to have difficulty getting cute little jumpers on your model, as you will be kicked, scratched, and sometimes be on receiving end of their excrement. Expect that excrement to be a strong color between a bright yellow to a gooey deep black. This is nothing to worry about, our model units have all been known to do that when they are first operated and the system is slowly starting up. If your unit is fussy or seems to scream, you may wish to check its temperature and see if a swing or lullaby can work. As the model grows you will find it sometimes giggles, has soft coos and it even enjoys raspberries on its belly.
In due time your model will begin to walk, say “no,” and begin its primary function of being contrarian. Occasionally, after a short day in the zoo, a long day at the beach, or even just a brief run to Target, your models’ control panels may overload and need to be rebooted with a nap, a Binky, or some time alone in <insert anywhere safe so it can scream its little head off>. Your model will display screaming behavior, wag a tiny hand at you, and maybe even kick. We recommend stepping out of the way, ensuring the safety of your model and taking a brief cool-down for yourself, and coming back.
Troubleshooting
If your unit appears to want to put a rock in its mouth, try entering the code — “no, no,” “we don’t do that,” or “rocks are for the ground not our mouths,” and gently push the hand lever away from its mouth. If Your Model Child unit does get a small rock in its mouth, do not worry, wait 12 hours and the end result may show up in the unit’s output.
Phase two, 5–11 unit years
This is the sweet spot of Your Model Child unit’s operation. This is the time where Your Model Child unit will want to spend time with you, not question your authority and agree to make their bed with very little bribery.
Your Model Child unit may make a fort in the middle of the living room, laugh at falling over sledding, or randomly hug you and say “I love you. You are the best Your Model Child owner, ever,” depending on your unit’s attachment style. Owner maintenance is simply reminding your unit to brush its teeth, go to bed, not to run in the house, and turn off the television.
Occasionally owners must re-code their Your Model Child unit to explain that “Toilets aren’t meant for long-term sitting,” ask “why did you dare your sister to do that?” as well as re-code Your Model Child unit to wash its output port very, very well. With soap.
Troubleshooting
At this phase, you can safely reboot Your Model Child unit’s control center by placing it in front of the Disney Channel or any Marvel Series until you are ready to reengage. Graphic Novels and LEGOs will also have the same effect of a reboot.
Phase three 11–18 unit years
For owners of the Your Model Child — Boy unit, we suggest allowing a lot of sleep, knocking on the door before entering, and expecting a trace musty smell coming from your unit at any given time. When many Your Model Child — Boy units come together in a locker-room or car, do not operate without proper ventilation.
If you have Your Model Child — Girl units, we got nothing, man.
When many Your Model Child — Girl units come together: Good luck bro’, we feel ya.
Troubleshooting
For troubleshooting Your Model Child unit at this phase, we suggest remembering that college or HVAC school is around the corner. For rebooting yourself, we suggest using the code — “Wine is in the fridge.” Once Your Model Child unit nears the end of its warranty at 18 years, it will be replaced by a new unit called Your Model Adult (which may from time to time come back to your house and ask to do laundry or eat Thanksgiving leftovers at midnight or ask for money for rent.)
Payment plan
Your Model Child unit will be yours to keep after 216 monthly payments of $1,000.* Should Your Model Child unit attend college, you will need to take a secondary payment out. We offer those payment plans tax deductible, with low interest at our offices.
*Some Your Model Child owners have greater expenses with hockey, traveling soccer, ballet, and horseback riding, vacations, colleges, food, doctors visits, cars, electronics, the “I wants,” the “but Joey has — ” and overindulgent grandparents that say “Come on, give it to them, what’s the harm?” Subject to availability, size, demeanor, aptitude, and the coordination of your particular model.
