FOR CHRONOS’S CONSIDERATION
The Utter Failure Of Time Traveling
And why we still have no idea if is it possible
On June 28, 2009, Stephen Hawking held a party for time travelers, but no one attended. On any given day, a party with Stephen Hawking would be a massive event, dragging all sorts of rich and famous people into its gravitational field. Get it? Physics jokes.
Like me on my ninth birthday, Hawking found himself alone in an empty room for a few hours before leaving. The media turned this event into a potentially amusing headline, transforming it into a meme. Unlike the media, one of the smartest people on Earth saw it as proof that time travel is impossible.
Having learned everything I know about the secrets of our universe from Morgan Freeman, I may have a few theories that contradict Hawking’s conclusion. I refer to my ideas about why we haven’t seen a single time traveler as “theories” to make them sound more professional. In reality, they are as scientific as “Jurassic Park.”
The Lame Period Theory
If the question is why haven’t we seen at least one time traveler, the answer can be rather depressing. For the people of the future, our time is…meh.
If you had a time machine, would you go to the 14th century? Doubtful, because, except for dying of plague and freezing during the “Little Ice Age,” there’s absolutely nothing to do there — or should I say then?
For the same reason, future humans, who have mastered the art of time travel, visit other, more fun periods, years away from our boring time.
The “Johnson, You Son Of a Bitch” Conundrum
Many scientists proclaim time travel dangerous, as one wrong step could alter the course of time, and result in the extinction of dear humanity.
There’s a possibility the inventor of the time machine, let’s call him Johnson, used it only once and traveled back to the year 2424 to order his favorite pizza. His journey destroyed the space-time continuum faster than his companion mumbled “Johnson, you son of a bitch,” and this is why no one came to Hawking’s party. Humanity is safe until the year 2424 when Johnson flushes everything down the drain for a slice of pepperoni.
The Bad Landing Paradox
When we think about time travel, we often imagine pressing a button and instantly appearing at a different time but in the same location. That’s not how it works, because the location part is just as critical.
Earth orbits the Sun at about 67,000 mph and our Solar System drifts through the Milky Way at approximately 450,000 mph. That’s so fast you can raise your hands and do a gleeful “Whee” because we are pretty much riding a convertible.
If you push a button without knowing the exact location of the Earth at every moment in time and space, you are guaranteed to end up light-years away from the desired destination. Chances are there’s a bunch of happy but frozen time travelers orbiting Sirius. Whee!
The Sweatpants Theory
How would you look to a medieval person if you traveled back in time right now? I’d be eating Ben and Jerry’s in my sweatpants — a sight terrifying enough to proclaim me a demon who consumed two innocent people and burn me alive.
Because we are unprepared to observe what is about to come and can have an unpredictable reaction on time travelers, people in the future train hard before actually going. They learn our habits, watch our shows, eat our junk food, and practice acting like a regular human from a given decade.
So when you see a sweaty man in a suit yelling at a cashier because his discount expired but he still wants one — that might be a pro time traveler. Or just an impatient Johnson.
